In June of 2023 I graduated high school, and it is the most recent memory I have of feeling empowered.I was denied from a majority of the universities that I had applied to, thoughI was still accepted into one of my top three schools. In a matter of days I would be expected to be on campus for freshman orientation. The only problem? I didn’t want to go. Not even a little bit. I had been hit with one of the biggest waves of imposter syndrome I’d ever experienced. There was no way for me to prepare for the feeling of unworthiness.
Maybe I wasn’t smart enough.
Nevermind all of the grades I got or recommendation letters I had collected. It all seemed void of purpose. All of my excitement and pride in having graduated was forgotten and in its place was my awareness of all of the obstacles in front of me. These obstacles lay in the American societal understanding of class and identity. Like shadows, the stereotypes we come to know, silently infiltrate our lives, casting doubt on the pursuit of cherished dreams. Perspectives I had always known to challenge.
Yet now, facing my last step of actually pursuing the higher education I worked for, it loomed over me. It felt impossible. My biggest nemesis, imposter syndrome, seemed to make my fears bigger and more real than they’d ever been. I didn’t come from money. I am a first generation college student because my parents weren’t able to work toward a college degree. All I had was a financial aid application and a dream. I wanted to earn a degree and pursue a career in Film (still do) which at times has definitely felt like a male dominated profession. All the cards seemed to be stacked against me and I felt that maybe I didn’t have what it took to succeed at a university.
Maybe I wasn’t smart enough.
Nevermind all of the grades I got or recommendation letters I had collected. It all seemed void of purpose. All of my excitement and pride in having graduated was forgotten and in its place was my awareness of all of the obstacles in front of me. These obstacles lay in the American societal understanding of class and identity. Like shadows, the stereotypes we come to know, silently infiltrate our lives, casting doubt on the pursuit of cherished dreams. Perspectives I had always known to challenge.
Yet now, facing my last step of actually pursuing the higher education I worked for, it loomed over me. It felt impossible. My biggest nemesis, imposter syndrome, seemed to make my fears bigger and more real than they’d ever been. I didn’t come from money. I am a first generation college student because my parents weren’t able to work toward a college degree. All I had was a financial aid application and a dream. I wanted to earn a degree and pursue a career in Film (still do) which at times has definitely felt like a male dominated profession. All the cards seemed to be stacked against me and I felt that maybe I didn’t have what it took to succeed at a university.
"All I had was a financial aid application and a dream."
So what was the point in going to orientation?
This time of doubt, surprisingly enough, led me to one of the most empowering times of my life. I confided in my family about my doubts and all the “obstacles” I had been experiencing. But instead of agreeing with me that I was an imposter, and creating a self fulfilling prophecy, we went to work. They pushed me to follow through. Talking to my loved ones made me realize that I was quitting before the game had even started and all those “obstacles” I had been facing weren’t meant to stop me from my dream at all, but were there instead to help me earn it.
It wasn’t a disadvantage for me to be the first in my family to attend and graduate college, it was a privilege and an honor to make my family proud. Not growing up comfortably gave me my edge because it proved that whatever I gained was earned. I know now that it doesn’t matter that my dream is to succeed in a male dominated career field because I can take it and my success would be that much more important. The biggest disruption of empowerment is when we allow ourselves to doubt ourselves and our purpose. When we allow ourselves to be filled with doubt or succumb to the role that society tries to assign to us. The doubt of what you can do and who you can be is meant to keep you comfortable, but the interruption of doubt is supposed to be uncomfortable. It is a chance to be heard and an opportunity to be empowered.
If you take anything from this story I ask that you remember that true empowerment is the ability to independently assert who you are and where you’re going without doubts and without limits. Empowerment is the agency to write your own story even when the world tries to tell you that your pencils are too broken and that the paper is too full.
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About the Author
Friday Pearl Rena is a first-year student majoring in English with a minor in Cinema. When in the process of writing this essay, she drew heavily from her experiences as a first generation college student and woman of color. |